Tuesday, March 13, 2012

An Indecent Proposal

Today's Guest Blogger is H. Upton Mutton, former Senator (D) from Iowa and current U.S. Special Envoy to Hormel.

Good Morning, Good Afternoon, Good Evening, and what the hell are you still doing up, Internet Community? I've been reading a lot of whining recently about "pink slime in our meat" and "unlabeled genetically modified foods" and I'm here today to stuff a size eleven tube sock into your concerns and duct tape your holes shut for good.

Like many of you I grew up in a simpler time. When I was a kid cereal was a mind altering whirligig of happy colors and good vibrations. Toys were deadly and demanded respect. It was a time of hot dogs, baseball, apple pie, and that company that makes whatever the hell a Volt is. Back then we didn't know, or give a commie's life, what was in our food and we were better off and happier for it. All we knew was what we needed to know: bacon and eggs were for breakfast,  hot dogs were for lunch and sporting events, and dinner was usually a well done half a cow washed down with five or six Manhattans. Simple.

Happier Times
Oh, how fondly I recall wolfing down a couple of wieners, a burger, a soda, some chips, a few Twinkies and some Pixie Stix for a pre-lunch snack before dragging my palsied limbs off to frolic with my schoolyard pals. Did I have any idea what I was eating? Hell, no. We didn't know a thing about hot dogs and nitrates or nitrites in those days ... and which is it, anyway? Is it nitrites or nitrates? If they can't get the name right how can we be sure about their claims that it's going to kill us in our sleep? Hm?

Anyway, now days all you youngsters "just want to have fun" with your Pepsi and blue jeans, but when science gives you ammoniated meat scraps turned into pink candy ribbons and happy corporate citizens put it into your burgers for your mass consumption, you Fussy Fussingtons don't want it in your fast food or in your failing schools. Well, what exactly would you like, America? And where would you like it? Free gold? In your mouths? Try eating THAT.

Looks Fun to Me!
During my time as an Iowa state senator I was privileged to witness the future on a daily basis and that future is now, friends. Our pals in the Meat and Dairy Industrial Complex are working day and night to insure a healthy and filling diet for all Americans. Food scientists struggle to produce food that is turned into something else and then back into something resembling food for the benefit of all mankind and the ladies as well. You should be grateful for these gifts, citizens.

Super Cow!
Well, that's not what the Green Washers would have you believe. They want to convince you that ammoniated slime and eight-legged cows are bad things and that's not good. It's not good for America and it's not good for freedom. It is certainly not good for you and me. Non-ammoniated meat scraps are riddled with E Coli. You remember E Coli, don't you? It nearly ruined Jack in the Box. You don't want to be like Jack in the Box, do you? Do you? Bobblehead? Well? I thought not.

How You Think Your Food is Manufactured
And remember that our food has been like this for years. You people have existed in a blissful vacuum of ignorance until the Green Washers started wagging their organic, free-range carrots in your sweaty, meaty faces. And speaking of carrots, why don't you lay off of Monsanto already, hippies? Monsanto is the future. Wake up and smell the goddamned GenMod alfalfa! Smell it? DO YOU SMELL IT? DOES IT SMELL GOOD? Good.

Bring On the Strip Malls and Light Industrial Parks!
I talk to scientists every day, and those scientists assure me that everything is cool ... really, really cool, and if global warming is crap then a lot of other things people say must be crap too. As our first human-ape hybrid scientist, the great Dr. Charles Darwin Zaius, said: "Don't look for it, Taylor. You may not like what you find".

Winner of The Scopes Prize for Science or Something
Go on, then. Mock me, revile me, burn me at the stake as a heretic, but I'm here to tell you that without faith in science and God knowledge will surely kill us all dead. Isn't it enough that the good folks at Con Agra and Monsanto and, heck, even McDonalds know what's in our food? Do we need to share the risk of knowing it too? Should we all have been there at the testing of the first microwave oven? Madness.

Science is Golden
And don't keep comparing pink slime to Soylent Green. First of all, it's PINK slime. I don't recall any Soylent Pink. You sound like fools. Secondly, it's not like anyone is ammoniating human remains and slipping them into our food holes without our knowledge. Taste the transparency, people. I don't recall seeing "contains Aunt Lotti" on any packaging labels. Then again, that might open up some valuable real estate for golf courses, strip malls and Audi Dealerships. Putting your bloated corpses in the ground is hamstringing progress, Americans. Hm. My Aunt Lotti might be slightly more tolerable if I knew that when she died she'd be ground up and put into my taco meat. Ahhhh. Hm. I'm just going to ride that thought hard for a minute and put it away wet. Yeah. Good girl. Good girl. Here's some sugar.

As for Heston, I liked his whole pro-gun thing but "Mr. Omega Man" played that whole "Soylent Green is people" whistle blower role a bit too well for my liking and besides, he snubbed me at an NRA rally once. Jerk.

Soylent Green is People. People Like You.
Nice scarf, "Moses". Phftt.
So, in conclusion, I would like to say that the things that don't kill me make me more of an awesomely powerful ultimate fighter. In addition, I would like to propose this to the naysayers and whistleblowers of this Most Godlike of Nations: Shut up and eat. I have checks to cash.

Want more mutterings from Mutton? Read: Yet Another Indecent Proposal, Still Another Indecent Proposal.