Saturday, April 7, 2012

Yet Another Indecent Proposal

Today's Guest Blogger is H. Upton Mutton, former Senator (D) from Iowa and current U.S. Special Envoy to Hormel. We didn't want to publish this, but he's so old and annoying. It's like he has nothing but time to call us. Sorry.



Good Morning, Good Afternoon, Good Evening, and what the hell are you still doing up, Internet Community? If I have done anything other than watch golf and masturbate lately I feel that I have finally gotten you all to stuff your slime holes with delicious, nutritious, ammoniated beef. As my BROTHERS IN UNITING THE NATION have demonstrated, the cows aren't out to get you, Americans. You are all victims of the Greenwashing Conspiracy Complex. Your compost reeks of it. Recycle? Ridiculous! Biofuels? BAH! Solar? Don't blow sunshine up my backside! Wind Power? Pffft!

Alan

In October of 1973 my car went all "blinky" on a service road outside of Area 52. What? You thought they kept anything at Area 51? Grow up. Why was I there? None of your beeswax. Anyway, as I was trying to pry my wrist watch off of my belt buckle I was approached by an Asian man awkwardly calling himself Alan. I owe Alan a great debt, because that night he let me slip beyond the velvet rope separating Earthly knowledge and the clubby, insider knowledge of the spheres.




That fateful night Alan revealed to me knowledge that had been passed to him by the Ancient Astronauts. It is knowledge that should have been available to the God Fearing American Public for decades but we had all been blinded by the Green Washers and their Orwellian crypto-conspiracies. What Alan revealed to me that night was more than his smooth, naked, chicken-like Asian form. Alan also revealed to me that women had vast reserves of untapped power.

Let Them Read Vogue

Could it be that women were not only the incubators of our man-spawn and Frenchers of our morning toast but were also able to cook potatoes while they got a pedi and a facial? Alan showed me a copy of the manual, which I feverishly turned the pages of with my bared teeth as I struggled to free my wristwatch from my belt buckle.

Panel From the XRTZ Potato-Tastic Deluxe Manual

Alan even helped me bury my secretary, but I digress. Now that The American Government has a firm clamp on your uteri, Womericans, you are free to serve as a pretty source of clean burning, all natural power in this great nation we call Homeland. And frankly, it's about time that you were good for something besides wasting votes on Hilary Clinton or somesuch.
I have no idea why that fanged goat is in this picture.

First displayed at the 1964 World's Fair, the idea of human-generated power was demonstrated with Hitler's captured head. Hitler's head would stare intently at meat until it was raised to the desired temperature.

The Debut of the Hitleriffic 5000 Concept Oven

As great of an idea as the Hitleriffic Oven was it was immediately crushed by Green Washers who called cloning thousands of Hitler heads a "bad idea" and "monstrous". Bah. Without this lost technology women would barely have time enough to enjoy scrubbing their floors before having to start burning dinner for their families.


Hitleriffic 5000 Deluxe Concept

However, all was not lost. Now that a brain tap has unleashed my hidden memories I have partnered with my partners in energy across the globe to introduce a greener, leaner, meaner, more responsible form of power in sexy underpants. We have even made the cylinder portable. Think of the time you'll save, ladies, as you cook a rib roast while yakking on the phone or scrubbing the grout. And you can't get an unwanted pregnancy while you're in a metal cylinder, can you? Can you? How should I know?

There's a pod thing on your iWhatzis. Listen and Obey as Directed.

By using 100% clean-burning women as a renewable source of power we can finally start building massive starships to bring democracy to a Godless, barbaric universe. Now, shut up and let the pseudopodia push you into the cylinders, ladies. I have checks to cash.

That's it for now. Read more Mutton: Still Another Indecent Proposal, An Indecent Proposal.