Superheroes, Stuffed Crusts and Pizza Sluts
From the House of No Ideas!
|Clockwise From Upper Left: Chowbacca!, Kaptain Kale|
When we last saw our heroes they were all like ZAPOW! and KABOOM! and EAT KALE OR BE DESTROYED! And we were all like "wow" and "whoa" and "WTF." Then they were like BASHOOOOOOMMMMMM! and the mushroom cloud was so pretty. So. Pretty.
And so begins our story.
|Cheese Stuffed Deep Crust|
Pizza Hut. People of a certain age and
Back then the only thing getting stuffed at Pizza Hut was you, with pizza. Simpler times.
Then, more enlightened times arrived and Pizza Hut wasn't feeling so cute and popular anymore. It was around those enlightened times that Pizza Hut, jacked up on pills and vodka like a prowling cougar, stuffed their first crust. There was no turning back. They were insatiable.
|Deep Crust II: Toppings in the Rear|
The next thing you know, cheese alone couldn't satisfy their cravings. The pizza sluts were hot to stuff more and more greasy things in their soft, yielding crust. Where would it end? Could it be that the ULTIMATE STUFFED CRUST PIZZA was truly the ULTIMATE?
Don't be a chump. It wasn't even penultimate.
Along came the Cheesy Bites Pizza. This sorry excuse for a pie delivered a choice of tortures: Stuffing yourself with cheese bread before attempting to grapple with a crustless excuse for a slice or desperately gripping your awkward excuse for a slice by a bunch of sausage-like bread fingers while you try in vain to
If some cabal between Pizza Hut and the plastic fork industry wasn't involved in the creation of this pile ... er, pie then it has to be the worst idea since ... well, it sucked.
|Dirty, Dirty Pizza|
But was that enough for the Pizza Slut? Did I not say insatiable? Presenting:
|FREE MUSTARD DRIZZLE!|
When you have ULTIMATELY STUFFED YOUR CRUST anything goes, apparently. With the Hot
Mustard drizzle and pizza sauce? Everything goes together after enough vodka, right? Right? Oh, vodka, you're my only friend. I hate you, vodka. Please, don't go. The only thing I hate more than I love you is:
|The Pizza Equivalent of Heroes, Season Two|
|There is no god.|
It's a brilliant concept, really. The perfect pizza for people too drunk or lazy to decide what to eat. It's the stuffed-drunk combo! I hear that they use these as edible hood ornaments in the United Arab Emirates.
How much more ULTIMATELY STUFFED could Pizza Hut get? What else could they possibly ...
|WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???|
You'll be able to see that exciting showdown between Food's Mightiest Heroes and the Pizza Sluts once that whole Revengers: The Movie Thingstarter thing gets started. Maybe Pizza Hut will kick in some promotional money? Maybe? Nah.
Ooh! The guys already came up with a
"Wherever food abuse happens the Revengers may not stop it, but they will REVENGE IT!"
It's good. Right, vodka? Right.
More Chowbacca madness by Larry McCarley:
Fast Food Pornography
The Arby's Makeover
Putting My Seat Back Forward
FYRKANTIG BLADVASS: My Lunch At Ikea
An Indecent Proposal
Yet Another Indecent Proposal
I Ain't Afraid of No Gout