Friday, May 4, 2012

Superheroes, Stuffed Crusts and Pizza Sluts

From the House of No Ideas!
Clockwise From Upper Left: Chowbacca!, Kaptain Kale:The First Revenger! Donny the Flying Bear! Hitleriffic 5000 Killbot Deluxe! Angry Cock! Mad Cow! Broccoli Face! Beware, pink slimers and factory farmer-barons!
JUSTICE IS NIGH!

When we last saw our heroes they were all like ZAPOW! and KABOOM! and EAT KALE OR BE DESTROYED! And we were all like "wow" and "whoa" and "WTF". Then they were like BASHOOOOOOMMMMMM! and the mushroom cloud was so pretty. So. Pretty.

And so begins our story.

Cheese Stuffed Deep Crust

Pizza Hut. People of a certain age and socio-economic status may recall being dragged there on "mom's-not-cooking-because-dad-was-a-jerk-again" Sunday evening dinners as children. Those were simpler times. They were times when men were men who were jerks to women and women were women who were treated poorly by men and children kept their yaps shut if they knew what was good for them and then some crying and then a big "daddy's sorry, who wants pizza?"

Back then the only thing getting stuffed at Pizza Hut was you, with pizza. Simpler times.

Then, more enlightened times arrived and Pizza Hut wasn't feeling so cute and popular anymore. It was around those enlightened times that Pizza Hut, jacked on pills and vodka like a prowling cougar, stuffed their first crust. There was no turning back. They were insatiable.

Deep Crust II: Toppings in the Rear

The next thing you know cheese alone couldn't satisfy their cravings. The pizza sluts were hot to stuff more and more greasy things in their soft, yielding crust. Where would it end? Could it be that the ULTIMATE STUFFED CRUST PIZZA was truly the ULTIMATE?

Don't be a chump. It wasn't even penultimate.

She Lied? Really? I'm Shocked.

Along came the Cheesy Bites Pizza. This sorry excuse for a pie delivered a choice of tortures: Stuffing yourself with cheese bread before attempting to grapple with a crustless excuse for a slice or desperately gripping your awkward excuse for a slice by a bunch of sausage-like bread fingers while you try in vain to force feed your face hole.

If some cabal between Pizza Hut and the plastic fork industry wasn't involved in the creation of this pile ... er, pie then it has to be the worst idea since ... well, it sucked.

Dirty, Dirty Pizza
And then, the Japanese market made it scarifying. Is that 100% Gamera meat? Thanks.

But was that enough for the Pizza Slut? Did I not say insatiable? Presenting:

FREE MUSTARD DRIZZLE!

When you have ULTIMATELY STUFFED YOUR CRUST anything goes, apparently. With the Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza not only did Pizza Hut stuff a big old wiener in their crust, but they crossed food lines as well. The result was like a questionable leftover sandwich cobbled together from half-remembered doggie bags by the twitching hands of a drunkard living on Bukowski's discarded couch.

Mustard drizzle and pizza sauce? Everything goes together after enough vodka, right? Right? Oh, vodka, you're my only friend. I hate you, vodka. Please, don't go. The only thing I hate more than you is:

The Pizza Equivalent of Heroes, Season Two
Topless cheeseburger crust, ringed around some greasy sludge that's supposed to be the remains of a pizza.  Oh, baby. Sounds like sloppy thirds at a donkey show to me. As you use your hands as shovels to push the food into your face you realize that your pizza will now do almost everything your other pizzas wouldn't do... and then ...

SHE HAS A SISTER!
Can I get half pink slime and half antibiotic chicken with extra cheez product? Drizzle some more special sauce on there. Yeah. Slower. That's it.

It's a brilliant concept, really. The perfect pizza for people too drunk or lazy to decide what to eat. It's the stuffed-drunk combo! I hear that they use these as edible hood ornaments in the United Arab Emirates.

How much more ULTIMATELY STUFFED could Pizza Hut get? The sister act had to be it, right? What else could they possibly ...

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???
When this beast ate Honk Kong the Revengers knew that the stuffing had to end. Buffalo wing and bratwurst stuffed crusts were just around the corner. It was time to act.

And you'll be able to see that exciting showdown between Food's Mightiest Heroes and the Pizza Sluts once that whole Revengers: The Movie Kickstarter thing gets started. Maybe Pizza Hut will kick in some promotional money? Nah.

Ooh! The guys already came up with a catch phrase!

"Wherever food abuse happens the Revengers may not stop it, but they will REVENGE IT!"

It's good. Right, vodka? Right.

____

More Chowbacca madness by Larry McCarley:

Fast Food Pornography

The Arby's Makeover

Putting My Seat Back Forward

FYRKANTIG BLADVASS: My Lunch At Ikea

An Indecent Proposal

Yet Another Indecent Proposal

I Ain't Afraid of No Gout