Saturday, August 4, 2012

Yelpless


Pictured: Yelper Enabler Jeremy Stoppelman

We all know Yelp sucks. We've heard about the allegations of extortion. We know that any idiot with a  "See Spot Run" reading level and an Internet connection can spew their petty indignation all over an undeserving business. Let's face it: Yelpies don't have opinions, they have insecurities.

Under the din of controversy, like a pathetic whine in a hurricane, those little insecurities can get lost. At Chowbacca! we're here to help those tiny demands to be heard, a little help for the wee Yelpless, and have a little fun along the way. Now, enjoy these one star wonders from actual Yelp reviews.

Jardiniere, San Francisco, CA
Average Rating: 4/5 Stars
This Rating: One Star
"Dined here last night. My phone was stolen OUT OF MY PURSE !!! There were very few diners around. This is not the type of restaurant that phone thieves frequent."
Um ... where DO the phone thieves eat? Just text it to me. Ouch. Too soon?

Toronado, San Francisco, CA
Average Rating: 4/5 Stars
This Rating: One Star
"Lagers are amongst the "champagnes" of beers, they are difficult to perfect; not at all like all the trendy, hoppy, skunky ales which have become all the rage."
Dude, reading a High Life label is not doing research.
From Wikipedia, which also isn't exactly research but shows a little effort: Pale lager is the most widely-consumed and commercially available style of beer in the world. Got it? Now, go back to Buffalo Wild Wings and stop using "amongst". It won't get you laid.


The French Laundry, Yountville, CA
Average Rating: 4.5/5 Stars
This Rating: One Star
"Who wants to feel like they're doing something wrong when they're eating? or who wants to feel that they're bad for having certain taste preferences. I'm sorry, but we're the ones who can actually afford to eat there (or at least working to), who needs some arrogant, pompous waiter making them feel bad for being a real human being looking for a new gastronomical experience?"
I know. I know. The guys in the paper hats never made you feel "bad" for wanting it "your way". It's cool. Breathe. Breathe. It's just a meal without ketchup and cheese that you can't really afford. Relax. You can probably outrun the waiter.

Absinthe, San Francisco, CA
Average Rating: 4/5 Stars
This Rating: One Star
"Also, the atmosphere is just so casual and the clientele seems on the older side -- I want an exciting Friday night, not a total yawn-fest. In the end, we ditched Absinthe and attempted to find another bar in the vicinity... Why is this place in the middle of nowhere?"
Next time call ahead and demand the Deluxe Bitch Package. You don't get food or a drink, but they give you directions back to the Marina.

Zeitgeist, San Francisco, CA
Average Rating: 3.5/5 Stars
This Rating: One Star
"Only bar in ALL of the land in the mission to not give me a birthday shot on my 21st."
Yelp lists 351 bars "in ALL of the land in the mission". There are 33.8 shots in a one liter bottle of liquor. Assuming that your liver could even handle ... oh hell, Zeitgeist probably saved your life.


That's all for now. Check back later for more one star wonders from the Yelpless. And remember business owners, there's always a way to turn that bad review into gold.