Sunday, December 16, 2012

Dining at the End of the World

My third cousin Smokin' Catgut Lawton on the Pennsylvania Dutch side of the family is ready for whatever bleak future awaits us. Are you? Please enjoy his first, and if prophesy holds, final contribution to Chowbacca!



Dateline: The end of the world, Friday.
By: Smokin' Catgut Lawton.

The 2012 Winter Solstice has been predicted to be our last holiday season, and who could argue, what with the global warming eroding away our fiscal cliffs, billionaires calling for higher taxes on the rich, "Atlas Shrugged" a box office disaster, cats and dogs living together, the demise of the Twinkie ...and what are the queers doing to the soil??  Before you know it, even polar bears will be hard pressed to find an ice chunk to lay on as they float randomly through the Arctic looking adorably dejected…  let’s face it, you’d be crazy not to admit this is the beginning of the end.

And since Mayan calendars are no longer available as holiday gifts, you may need renewed inspiration in spending the money you haven’t exchanged for silver or gold bullion.  Look no further, National Survival Center has you covered in tinsel and camouflage.  And when it comes to apocalypse-lit dining, they offer the best selection of survival food rations, freeze dried vegetables, and canned survival meat.

Realizing how last-day-on-earth decision making isn’t easy, we’ve compiled the following recommendations to aid these final purchases.  My prophesy is that you’ll be so satisfied, you won’t even notice that NSC’s 30-day exchange and refund policy is completely irrelevant.  Combing through the extensive collection of survival instruments, axes, machetes, swords, shovels, water filters, gun maintenance kits, medical supplies/antibiotics, flashlights, tents, and military/survival manuals, we’ve whittled our Armageddon Picks down to include essential, quality, life-saving items.


Meyerco Game Cleaning Set with Gambrel and Hoist
Survival Rating: Outstanding

There is an estimated 0% chance of finding game left to hunt in zones 1-6 surrounding a nuclear fallout epicenter, and in zones 7- 12 wildlife will have been exposed to unacceptable levels of radiation, but should you find yourself living outside those areas you’re going to want to turn as many animals into your personal pemmican supply as efficiently as possible.  We all know that nothing spells ease and comfort when field dressing big game like a hoist and gambrel.  The Meyerco kit comes complete with a butcher saw (two extra blades),  a 6 ½” cleaver, an 8” field utility knife, a  4” skinning blade with gut hook, a caping/boning knife, a folding gambrel, 74’ of paracord rope, and of course the hoist.

Bushnell 2.5x42mm NightVision Binoculars
Survival Rating: Outstanding
ATN Viper 1 NightVision Goggles/Monocular
Survival Rating: Excellent


The Bushnell binoculars offer unprecedented comfort during extended sentry shifts, and the ATN goggles strap onto a helmet or camera for hands-free operation.    Remember the verse: “In a land in which a radioactive haze blankets the stratosphere in perpetual night, the one-NightVision-eyed man is king…”



United Cutlery M48 Apocalypse Tactical Tomahawk
Survival Rating: Outstanding


This holiday necessity is boasted by NSC as “currently our #1 selling item”.  Not your average apocalypse tomahawk, United Cutlery designed this little honey with the dual purpose of making “short work of camp chores, as well as apocalyptic scumbags who wish to do you harm”.  The M48 is billed as the “ultimate tactical weapon… light rugged, highly effective.  The wide, unswept blade allows for mammoth chopping, slashing and cutting potential, while the secondary edge on the back side of the head is specially sharpened on both edges for cutting and hooking attacks.”  Enough said… I’ll take two, make that three; can’t get enough of a good thing, even when civilization is crumbling to ashes all around you.



Cold Steel Dragonfly Wakazashi Sword
Survival Rating: Exceptional


If you’re going to try to pull off the whole Armageddon-Samurai-With-No-Name bit, you don’t want to wander through the wasteland with a less than perfect samurai sword.  This is precisely what Cold Steel had in mind when designing the Dragonfly Wakazashi.  The traditional Japanese model has been modified into a blade that is “heavier, thicker, wider to compensate for human growth, strength, and athleticism over the centuries.”   Perhaps now would be a good time to take a long, hard look in that mirror and answer this question: “how long will I keep lying to myself about being prepared to protect my family until our Lord’s return without a damn samurai sword?”

BONUS STOCKING STUFFER!!!





 
Smith and Wesson Tactical Pen/Fire Starter
Survival Rating: Excellent


Now I know the name implies this is a miniature flamethrower… sorry but no, the fire starter is simply a ferrocerium rod which creates a spark when struck against the cap.  Lame, I admit it.  Fortunately, so did our friends at S&W, who outfitted their prototype to become “not only a decent pen (it writes very smoothly), but also a Fire Starter, kubotan (martial arts weapon), self-defense tool, window breaker, and key chain.”  Because Lord knows, the last thing you want to be doing when that roving band of cannibals is hot on your heals it look for your keys.  (Kubotan training manual sold separately)

Survival Cave 12+ year Canned Survival Meat
Survival Rating: Unavailable


Everyone loves finding a handful of goodies in the bottom of their Christmas stocking, and what could be better than a few cases of 28 oz cans of turkey, pork, chicken, beef, and ground beef?  You may be asking yourself, “12+ year, what exactly does that mean?”  The answer is: very little, since this product “will store for a MINIMUM of 12 years.  Scientists think this type of product will still be edible and nutritious for 100 years or more”.  Warning: “this is REALLY good Ground Beef, if you use it for the weekend cookout you won’t have any left when the SHTF.”  Warning: NSC anticipates “significant manufacturer price increases on all survival food late in 2012, and potential shipping delays due to demand.”

Survivalist Dutch Oven Cookout

The most efficient method of cooking in survival settings is the cast iron dutch oven.  Charcoal briquettes will provide fairly consistent, even heat.  This handy conversion chart gives approximate temperatures for the different sizes of ovens.  Generally speaking, place about twice as many coals directly on the lid of the oven as you place underneath.  I’m a big fan of simple recipes that seem far more complex than they are.  Here are a couple that will really make it look like you’re showing off right up to the bitter end.

Scotch Eggs

  • 3 lbs. sausage
  • 8 hard boiled eggs
  • 1 cup flour
  • 1 egg beaten
  • Canola oil spray can
  • 2 cups bread crumbs
  • 3 tbsp paprika
  • 2 tbsp salt
  • 2 tbsp garlic powder
  • 1 ½  tbsp white pepper
  • 1 ½  tbsp black pepper
  • 1 tbsp  thyme
  • 1 tbsp oregano
  • 1 tbsp onion powder
  • 1 tbsp cayenne
  • 1 tbsp basil
Mix bread crumbs and spices, set aside.  Peel the eggs, set aside.  Divide the sausage into eight portions, flatten into rectangles.  Roll a hardboiled egg in flour, wrap with sausage, dip in the beaten egg, roll in spices, spray thoroughly with canola oil, place in dutch oven, repeat.  Cook at 350 for 35-40 minutes, turning eggs occasionally.

Cinnamon Rolls
  • 3 cups flour
  • 3 tsp baking soda
  • 2 tsp sugar
  • 2 pkg fast acting yeast
  • 3 tbsp butter
  • 4 tbsp oil
  • 1 cup raisins
  • 1 cup pecans (crushed)
  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • 1 tbsp freshly grated ginger
  • 1 tbsp freshly grated nutmeg
  • 2 tbsp cinnamon
Combine yeast, 2 tsp sugar, and 1 cup warm water, set aside for 5 minutes.  Mix in flour and baking soda, add butter and additional warm water as needed to make a soft dough.

On a floured surface, roll the dough into a thick rectangle.  Cover with raisins, pecans and brown sugar.  Sprinkle with cinnamon, ginger and nutmeg.  Lift the long edge of the dough and fold it into a roll.  Slice into 3” rolls.

Preheat oil and add rolls to oven.  Cover and bake 30-40 minutes at 350