Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Recipoos: Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes


Rachellle B couldn't be bothered to pick up some Irish whiskey. Lynchburg Land Mine, y'all?

First of all, let me mention, again, that one of the things that I loathe about the vast majority of home cooks and home cook/food bloggers is their "this thing that thing" mash up crap. You know, unimaginative types who confuse mashups for creativity. Mash ups are not creativity. Mash up foods are what corporations do in order to give the illusion that they are full of fresh ideas and innovation and food bloggers do because they're boring. Taco Pizza? Why? A hamburger pizza, a pizza hamburger, a hamburger pizza bagel, hamburger pizza bagel sliders ... it's all the same crap. Make a good pizza. Make a good burger. Make a good taco and please leave the noble bagel out of your infantile meddling. Spaghetti in a pan? No. Why do you hate spaghetti? If you're mimicking the desperate acts of corporations you aren't creative, you're a marketing victim.

I'm not looking at you, avocado fries. Deep frying things into a more delicious state is genius. Pizza burgers and burger pizzas make a foul mockery of both foods. The turduken was more innovative. Deep fried? Even more so.

Secondly, IRISH CAR BOMB CUPCAKES??? Are you fucking kidding me? It isn't bad enough that some insensitive ass hat came up with a bile-flavored-get-drunk-quick-shit-shake of a drink and then named that mess after something that destroys lives, but then you thought "gee, that would be a fun CUPCAKE"??? Seriously?

If I told you I'd come up with this great drink called a Boston Marathon Pressure Cooker you'd break a fucking nail typing your scorn into the comments section as you soaked up your righteous tears with a flag. My big jerk face would be all over Facebook faster than you can hit "like" because you hate cancer. But since you don't live in Ireland, and don't know anyone in Ireland, and most of all because it didn't happen in AMERICA, who fucking cares. Right? "It's fun. Don't be so stuck up!"

Why not whip up some Legless Vietnamese Orphan Cupcakes, you thoughtless ghouls? I'll bet that your Iraqi Drone Strike Muffins will be a real hoot at the next ... wait. To what, exactly, kind of occasion do you bring these cupcakes? Baby showers? Sweet 16? Office parties? Wakes? No, wait, there it is in the Smitten Kitchen ... ugh ... comments section where it all began. Superbowl parties. Of course. Where the lowest common denominator gathers to get shitty. That's your place to shine, cupcake jerks. Let's just hope that no one brings a truck bed full of fertilizer to your next tail gate. Superbowl Massacre Muffins could be the hit of some other country's bake sale. That is, if there's another country full of thoughtless drunkard bakers like you.

In conclusion, shame on you, and you, and you, and you, and all of you. Get a clue. Better yet, get some compassion. Whether you drink the swill or eat the cupcake you're an asshole.