Sunday, August 11, 2013

Crystal Blue Persuasion

Copyleft, Wikipedia.
First, with all due decorum, "oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god the last 8 episodes of Breaking Bad start tonight!!!!"

What kind of light-hearted mischief will lovable scamp and father-of-the-year Walter White get himself into? We don't want to speculate. Oh, bullshit, we do. Highlight the text below in our "spoilers section".

Bryan Cranston (and to some degree, the show's real hero Aaron Paul) have been out on the late-night talk show circuit mercilessly promoting a show which, really, doesn't need it.

The last season of AMC's "The Killing" came and went without me even being aware. "True Blood" has started up and I haven't made it through the first of now 7 or 8 episodes (also on it's last season, mercifully).

We've been watching "Dexter" out of... duty? Last Sunday's episode had a nice twist. And for once, I felt a pang of sympathy for the otherwise unsympathetic Ray Donovan, eponymous to the Showtime series.

Way to terrorize your kids, Ray. But I understand why you did it: I too have cold and prickly feelings for Jon Voigt.

You know what show no one watches but should? Longmire. Look it up.

Back to Breaking Bad - they've been having some fun with creative marketing. Take for instance the reviews for this suspicious Amazon.com product:

Click to enlarge, revel in the glory of my many browser tabs!
And of course, who can forget Cranston's impromptu appearance the other night on the Colbert Report, after French techno duo Daft Punk unceremoniously dumps Colbert for the MTV Video Music Awards:

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"Dottore Gustavo," I hear the editorial voice in my head. "This is a food blog why are you talking about Stephen Colbert and Daft Punk?"

"Pageviews."

Seriously, though, I thought it would be fun to make some hard candy.

This recipe is adapted from the lemon drop recipe which is about as basic a candy as can be made.

Set up your lab, ye little Heisenbergs. You will need:
  • A steep sided 2 quart saucier.
  • Silicone spatula.
  • 2 full sized cookie sheets.
  • Full sized silicone pad (eg, SILPAT).
  • Pyrex measuring cup.
  • Vegetable oil.
  • Heavy rubber gloves.
  • Protective lab coat.
  • Goggles.
  • A camper.
Okay, you won't need some of that stuff. But melted sugar is hot, like napalm. It is hot and it will fuck you up if you touch it.

Making candy is dangerous, much like making meth.

Seriously, though, it is dangerous. Be careful.

Crystal Blue Persuasion "Raspberry" Candy:
  • 2 cups of granulated white sugar (hey, no one said this was going to be good for you).
  • 1/2 cup of apple juice.
  • 1/2 cup of water.
  • 1 tablespoon of lemon juice.
  • 1 teaspoon of lemon oil (extract).
  • 1 teaspoon of cream of tartar (powdered tartaric acid).
  • 10 drops of blue food coloring.
  • 1 drop of red food coloring.
Oil a clean cookie sheet lightly with vegetable oil and place your silicon mat on top, with the flat side facing upward. Lightly oil the silicon mat. Place in freezer until needed.

Bring the water and apple juice to a simmer then add the sugar and stir until it dissolves.

Slowly bring the solution to a temperature of 275ºF (just beyond "soft crack") and add remaining ingredients. Remove cookie sheet from freezer.

Incorporate carefully with a silicone spatula then continue to cook until the sugar reaches 300ºF.

Carefully dump the mixture onto your cookie sheet and tap the edge gently with the handle of your spatula to start crystal growth.

Allow to set for a few hours then invert over a another clean, dry cookie sheet and break into "crystals".

Here's Walter White demonstrating (warning: contains Season 5 mid-series finale spoilers!):


Breaking Bad // 'Crystal Blue Persuasion' Montage from Jay Parmar on Vimeo.

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Spoilers section!

Do not read if you are not caught up!

  1. Walter White is one of the human-form Cylons that we previously didn't know about.
  2. What's in Walter's trunk? Marcellus Wallace's soul. Bonus spoiler: Wallace is secretly in charge of the German conglomerate.
  3. Walter encounters a small time con-artist with a limp, played by veteran actor Kevin Spacey who ends up being more trouble for Walt than he bargained for.
  4. We discover a alternate universe where Americans have universal free health care. In this universe Walter, or "Walternate" as he is known in fandom, receives treatment for his cancer thus negating the raison d'etre of the show. However Walternate encounters another scientist, William Bell, played by Leonard Nimoy, who has sinister plans for the multiverse.
  5. Through a series of highly improbable plot-twists, Walter ends up going back in time (with the Doctor) to Twin Peaks, Washington where he inadvertantly ends up killing Laura Palmer... setting into motion a series of events which results in him later getting cancer. Unbeknownst to Walt and Skyler, their baby daughter is born with an excess of Midi-Chlorians. When asked to explain how this could happen, the Doctor balefully admits "there are fixed points in time. I'm so sorry."
  6. Jesse and "Badger" get their band back together, with "Skinny Pete" on keyboards, under the new name "Hot Meth". Hearing that the band has been on a fast track to stardom, Walter moves himself into a management role. After investing heavily in a "Hot Meth" world tour, Walter discovers Jesse drowned in his own vomit....
  7. Fade to Black. Cut to Commercial. After:
  8. Walter emerges from the shower and is handed a towel by Patrick Duffy, who is getting a neck rub from Bob Newhart. Slamming the shower door in their smiling faces, Walter slips on the wet floor and breaks his neck.
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