Sunday, November 17, 2013

They Can't Say It's Cheese! I Can't Say It's Good!


Ah, the horrible, horrible power of they can't say it's cheese.

Someone that I know bought this plastic tub of mystery at Whole Paycheck and asked me to try it. They Can't Say It's Cheese? I can't say that I enjoyed it. I can say that it has the color and texture of wood putty without any of wood putty's captivating aroma or flavor. The purchaser was no doubt lured in by the claims of a "Vegan Cheese Substitute". I was lured into trying it by her inability to describe it. At Chowbacca! we do the suffering for you, dear readers.

Okay: 1) There is no substitute for cheese. 2) This stuff isn't a worthy substitute for expired Cheez Whiz.

My advice to those of you who have quit dairy is this: Quit Dairy. Cheese is "a food derived from milk that is produced in a wide variety of flavors, textures, and forms by the coagulation of the protein casein". We Can't Say It's Cheese Dairy Free Mexi Cheddar is a paste made from dehydrated oatmeal that's been run through some serious flavor extraction technology. "Mexi Cheddar"? Cheddar is an England-borne cheese mainly produced in the UK, US, Canada, and New Zealand. It's not from Mexico. Cheddar is about as Mexican of a cheese as the chemically aged goop on a Nachos Bell Grande. Are the folks at WayFare of Montana making spicy claims of South-of-the-Border seasonings? If bland is a spice they're correct. "Mexi"? Seriously? What do people in Montana have against Mexico? Vegans? Flavor?

Avoid this faux fromage. It's not cheese. It's not "Mexican". It's not good. I had no regrets in life until I tried a spoonful of this product. Now I long for time travel so that I can go back and warn my younger tongue before it tastes that fateful bite or, failing that, to cut it from my ignorant head. Sparing my tastebuds the trauma would be more than worth the risk of creating a paradox*.


*If I encounter a time line protection situation I'm fucked.  If I erase this timeline you're all fucked. If I cause a time line corruption we're all fucked. If I create an alternate timeline they're fucked. If it's a can-not because can-not paradox I'm already fucked. Fuck.

Say "No" To We Can't Say It's Cheese! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!