Thursday, November 6, 2014

"It's Time To Be Fucking Safe" with Salvatore Monella


Mr. Monella

Hey, you guys knock that shit off. Quit fucking around. It's time to be fucking safe. Ay, assholes! Settle the fuck down and listen the fuck up. It's time to be fucking safe, capisce? "Why?" Why? Why you stupid fuckhat? Because I'm the generalissimo-fucking-manager and I run this restaurant and this fucking kitchen, asshole, which means I'm running you, asshole, and I'm as serious as a mother fucking heart attack and I swear on my mother's fucking sainted eyes ... if you keep. fucking. around. and being unsafe I'm gonna stomp on your fucking stupid skulls. Does that answer your question?

Knuckles. Knuckles. Knuckles. Hey, Knuckles. Make me say it again, Knuckles. You little bastard. You're trying my patience. Look at me then, you asshole fuck. Now, put that fucking knife down until you learn to respect it. Oh? Oh! You got a problem with me? Something's wrong? Go fuck yourself, Knuckles. Better yet, why don't you touch that knife again and I'll demonstrate some knife skills to the boys?

You're quiet, Knuckles. Got something else to say, Knuckles? Yeah, that's what I thought, you lazy, stupid, piece-a-shit fuck. You don't like it here? Hit the bricks and go chop salads for that shithole Mangia Capri or Tony's Pasta Room. Just watch your back.

So, the boss says we've had some "accidents" here in the kitchen. Lady said she found a finger in her cioppino. I'm looking at your knuckles, Knuckles. Boss had to shut the lady up. Boss says it's time to be fucking safe. So we're gonna be fucking safe. Hey. HEY! Asshole! Don't touch him with your fucking raw fish fingers you fucking idiot. What, "what"? You were just playing puppet with a raw fucking flounder, Joey. "Sleep wit me, Knuckles. Sleep wit me". Wasn't that you, Mr. Wise-Ass-Joey Fuck? Your hands, Captain Genius, are covered in raw fish juice. You touch him with your fucking flipper hands and you'll give the guy Ebola or Ricola or some shit.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, it's time for you assholes to be. fucking. safe. All of youz. I can't stress this enough. That's the word from on high and that's how it's gonna fucking be. You don't like it? I'll see you in the gravy. Got me?

Now, listen up. Wash that fucking cutting board why don't ya you stupid fuck? Wash your hands after you handle raw shit. Oh yeah, and after you shit too. Wear those grippy shoes like crocs or some shit, like Mario ... the chef, not your video game shit, dumbass. What are you, twelve? Look, don't wear your fucking Guccis in the kitchen, assholes. Are you fucking stupid? Don't be fucking stupid. I'll hit you, assholes. Now, get back to work. Be safe.



The author may still be recovering from binge viewings of all six seasons of The Sopranos and nine seasons of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. Pity him.

No actual humans were harmed for the writing of this blog post. Knuckles is a work of fiction and is recovering nicely.