Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Stevia Tastes Like Butt


Ew.
Dear Kombucha Hippies,

Thanks so much for trying to make a buck by saving me from diabetes. That said, could you knock it off with the stevia already? I just unwittingly swallowed two mouthfuls of your DREAMY ORANGE RAW AND ORGANIC LIVE KOMBUCHA SODA, and while "butt" might be a strong word to use to describe the taste of stevia in your kombucha-soda hybrid product, the taste is remarkably similar to the way that my dry cleaning smells with a hint of Tang Breakfast Drink and puke.

I don't know what you're all smoking, but it must be good if this crap made it out of R&D. Do you even have R&D, or does some "Earth Mother" or other "traveller" just throw this stuff together in a clay jar in which it's passed around the company drum circle? It's bad, hippies. Maybe those layers of "nature's medicine" that you've smoked onto your tongue* aren't letting it through, but stevia is real bad. It's a taste that you can't market away.

Now, I fully expect to do my part going forward and will carefully scrutinize every label as I search for a SoCal equivalent to my NorCal favorite kombucha, but you may still want to think about dropping stevia. I know. It's a plant. I know. It's natural. I also know that it induces vomiting.

Oh, and I should mention here that putting stevia into a beverage where cane juice (a.k.a. sugar),  sits higher on the ingredients list isn't "chill". It's bogus.

Thanks for taking time away from debating with Star Fawn whether or not your Jamaican flag hat looks racist on those blond dreads. The quest for a palatable substitute for the demon sugar goes on, I suppose. Fight on for that bottom line, flower people!

Snickeringly,

Your pals at Chowbacca!

P.S. Seriously, I know that you're a bunch of Austin MBAs trying to cash in on a cash cow that you saw at Whole Foods, but this stuff sucks raw, organic butthole.

*Can you even smoke weed in Texas without being shot in the face? All that I know of your strange land of Texas is in this video.

No.